I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
I went to watch 1st & 2nd kyu grading last Saturday and perhaps love makes one blind but I thought Zz did a really really good job.
You rock dear, despite of the tsunami haha.
Kris did a good job also despite her uber cute whining before grading.
WE LOVE YOU KRIS!!!
And after that, GL pair went to Pasir Ris so TauGAY can go wash his gi and shower while Lemon waited for her bean sprout at the bus stop and dozed off lol.
Then they went to Downtown for dinner cuz Lemon wanted frozen yogurt.
So they ate at the Hong Kong Cafe place and discussed all sorts of random stuff.
Insert part about how TauGAY is the girl cuz he cooks and cleans and all that stuff while Lemon is the bo chup ttm one.
Then Lemon explains why she doesn't do the chores, super unhygienic and is sooo epicly lazy.
Cuz if Lemon did the household chores, she'd spam everything with Dettol. Three times. At least. Then rinse it again with Dettol. And the chores will never be finished.
If Lemon was more concerned about hygiene, she'd bring Dettol with her at all times and wash everything with Dettol every half hour or so.
If Lemon wasn't sooo lazy, she'd have OCD.
Really, every time I have a philosophical discussion with Zz, I end up learning something completely new about myself.
Can anyone even imagine ME of all people having an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?
Uh hello~ the girl who eats stuff that dropped on the floor of a university in CHINA here.
But it makes sense in a convoluted, very round about and abstract way.
If I psycho myself into thinking I'm INVINCIBLE to germs and viruses of all sorts, I wouldn't be a paranoiac who freaks out and dunks her hands in Dettol every min or so right?
Sigh, I am so awesome I amaze even myself.
Apparently, I can only be one extreme or the other.
I have an inferiority complex but if I tell myself that I am a genius, I am friggin awesome and (insert positive adjectives) long enough, I'll believe it someday right?
It makes sense.... I think?
YES IT DOES DAMNIT, ACCORDING TO THE PRINCIPLES OF LEMON'S (IL)LOGICAL LOGIC.
END OF STORY.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Lemon ish saaad cuz she has no drive no more and does not bother about lectures no more.
That says everything so let's move on my lovelies.
Let's talk instead about someone I find myself unable to turn my back on.
What I told Zz about myself that day was something new.
I never really thought about it that way before and talking to him made things clearer.
Until that person does something utterly unforgivable, our relationship will pretty much stay the same.
Acquaintances; nothing more and nothing less.
I hated that person once because of that person's irresponsibility but that was fleeting.
I don't hate that person and I find myself unable to because
Sure it gets annoying sometimes and maybe more than that but the worst that I can say about my feelings towards that person now is probably nothing more than mild dislike.
I'm trying to feel better but it ain't working so this is just a diversion from my f ed up mind.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
I know that I sound like I am whining and being a spoilt kid throwing a tantrum.
I know there are people who are there for me and who will give me comfort.
I am very grateful and I feel very loved.
But I still have to put these feelings to words.
Perhaps if I gave form to these elusive emotions, I can let go of them.
So let me.
I need to redefine my short term goal in life.
If this is just a mere fraction of what mid life crisis is like, I am so glad women generally don't have them.
Let's just make it simple: Lemon cannot deal with CHANGE.
I really really cannot deal with changes.
Its damn obvious.
Transitions from Primary 4 to 5, Primary 6 to Secondary 1, Secondary 4 to Poly 1st year, the trend is blindingly obvious.
My grades suffered.
And after a year or a semester, they start improving.
I thought poly was getting better.
But now its FML.
The last time I hated anything or anyone with such vehemence was after that bitch demoted me.
I think I hate Sentosa more than I hate her.
I honestly have no idea what I am working towards, why the bloody f am I stuck on this stupid island.
And things have really changed my perspective on life.
My priorities just went through an earth shattering change and are completely shuffled.
I came to this course with big dreams and ambition.
There was so much that I wanted to do and so much that I wanted to gain from this course.
Volunteer stints at F1 and other major events, a once in a lifetime learning experience on Sentosa, educational trips abroad.
I was a fool and thought that the school would be an avid advocate of holistic education.
I thought that even if I joined a lot of CCAs, school stuff wouldn't be affected cuz sec sch life was like that.
What utter bullshit.
Can I have my money back?
This is how my priorities go now,
1. Zz & Aikido
2. JCG (a close second not because I love it less but because they don't really need me as much)
3. Schoolwork
In fact, I don't even think school work has that high a place in my heart.
TP has completely and utterly destroyed any hopes I had of doing well in my studies.
That is how demotivated I am.
Great JOB yo~ Give yourself a goddamn pat on the back for a job so very well done.
Now I find myself passing up on many different opportunities that the old Lemon would have pounced on.
This change in me is terrifying and disconcerting.
Have I mentioned how I absolutely cannot deal with change?
In my head, there are several voices.
The most annoying ones are the Lemon that bemoans opportunity costs, the Lemon that thinks of 'what if', the Lemon that dreams of 'what could be' and the Lemon whose main purpose of existence is to questions every single damn thing I do and make me feel like the world's biggest retard.
This is why consoling me doesn't work because they will always negate the comforting and encouraging words.
I wish they would just shut the f up.
Every single thing I do, every single word I say, every single thought I have, they will rake me down with claws that cut me to the bone.
I am so very tired.
Is this the meaning of the phrase, can't live with myself?
If I tell myself I am good, I am awesome, I am a f ing genius long enough, maybe I will be able to tune them out someday.
I don't know why but it feels like they hate me.
And by default, I hate me.
How is it possible to deal with something like that?
Tell me.
Or don't tell me because they will just start up all over again.
Just hold me will you?
Words are not needed.
All I need is someone to listen to me and hold me.
Even just hugging my close friends make me feel like maybe I am strong enough to tell myself that I don't suck.
If only I could deal with this problem as a separate entity.
Because I cannot see where the line between me and them ends.
If there is even one.
All I aim to do when posting stuff like this is to try and release my frustrations and anger towards myself and other stuff.
I really do feel better after writing it all down so don't worry my lovelies.
Lemon will be alright.
I like to hear your voice. I like to be around you. I feel very secure. Thank you for being there.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
I miss carefree days that are nothing more than memories.I miss knowing that I can afford to slack.I miss MOSSP.I miss working my guts out and seeing my achievements and feeling proud of them.I miss knowing where I stood and not needing to reach out for more.I miss oblivion.I miss TP.I really really cannot stand Sentosa.But I must persevere.Like I said, tis but a test.One of many to come.Fight on and savor your victory at the end.The end is ..... somewhere not visible at the moment but IT WILL COME.Someday.Hopefully soon.Hey Life, if I asked nicely, would you kindly please stop screwing me?GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHHLunatiquely (literally) yours,Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
It has been a tumultuous period for me, what with the change of environment to Sentosa, crisis in one of my major loves TPAiki and other numerous stuff that has happened recently (f*** SMRT).
To be honest, even though I felt physically worse than shit regurgitated 10 times over after having 2 cocktails on a rather empty stomach; that mental oblivion and depression were welcome.
They shut up for once.
They stopped trying to make me feel something I wasn't feeling.
Hurrah. Yay for me.
I really don't want to care anymore.
Don't want to think anymore and just go through life, hoping it won't screw me up anymore than it had already done.
But I can't.
I am PROGRAMMED like this.
They will continue blabbering on and on and on about 'what if's and 'what could be's.
Give me a fucking break and cut me some slack cuz if I go stark raving mad, you guys will be implicated.
And now I am talking to the voices in my head.
You can't tell me to stop thinking because I never will unless I am sooo preoccupied with something.
I think I hate myself more than anyone in this world can hate me.
But don't worry, I still love Lemon very much.
I really want to give up on school.
I have no motivation whatsoever for this semester and I have no idea what the hell am I there for.
This is really bad ok.
I can't not see what I am working for.
It is only the 3rd week of school and already I am wondering when this nightmare will end.
It is hard to BE focused with all this uncertainty and I cannot stand this kind of me.
All this lost feelings plus missing my taugay plus feeling so mentally, emotionally and physically drained.
I think I kinda understand the phrase 'drowning one's sorrows'.
NOT that I am going to drink that much again thankyouverymuch.
Puking at the bus interchange and then again at home, practically hugging the toilet bowl is an experience that I never want to try again.
It was pink from my frozen strawberry margarita.
My puke, that is.
I'm fine really.
I just want to psycho myself into studying hard for this semester, hanging in there till the worst is over and crash later on when I don't have to be strong anymore.
There is so many things that I want to express in words here so I can let go of them but they refuse to be let go.
Dear, I'm sorry for being so emo these few days but I'm gonna need time. I don't know for how long and I don't know what kind of me I will be while I'm adjusting so I'm going to have to ask you to put up with me for the time being. I'm really sorry for asking so much from you when you probably have things troubling you as well. If you have anything bothering you, tell me too okay so at least I can share some of your burdens. Really miss you yo~
Darlings, its going to be a hard time for us and I am really pissed off at being stuck on a stupid island down south and not being there. I just want to let you guys know that I will try my bestest to help out in any way possible cuz I love you guys and TPAiki TTM.
I've been neglecting my dearest lil sis ever since all the bullshit just landed smack on me but I'll try to make it up to her when things start looking up and also next semester when I will stalk her in school ^^
Depressed but trying my damnest not to be.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|