Lunatiquely,
Lemon
I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
It has been a tumultuous period for me, what with the change of environment to Sentosa, crisis in one of my major loves TPAiki and other numerous stuff that has happened recently (f*** SMRT).
To be honest, even though I felt physically worse than shit regurgitated 10 times over after having 2 cocktails on a rather empty stomach; that mental oblivion and depression were welcome.
They shut up for once.
They stopped trying to make me feel something I wasn't feeling.
Hurrah. Yay for me.
I really don't want to care anymore.
Don't want to think anymore and just go through life, hoping it won't screw me up anymore than it had already done.
But I can't.
I am PROGRAMMED like this.
They will continue blabbering on and on and on about 'what if's and 'what could be's.
Give me a fucking break and cut me some slack cuz if I go stark raving mad, you guys will be implicated.
And now I am talking to the voices in my head.
You can't tell me to stop thinking because I never will unless I am sooo preoccupied with something.
I think I hate myself more than anyone in this world can hate me.
But don't worry, I still love Lemon very much.
I really want to give up on school.
I have no motivation whatsoever for this semester and I have no idea what the hell am I there for.
This is really bad ok.
I can't not see what I am working for.
It is only the 3rd week of school and already I am wondering when this nightmare will end.
It is hard to BE focused with all this uncertainty and I cannot stand this kind of me.
All this lost feelings plus missing my taugay plus feeling so mentally, emotionally and physically drained.
I think I kinda understand the phrase 'drowning one's sorrows'.
NOT that I am going to drink that much again thankyouverymuch.
Puking at the bus interchange and then again at home, practically hugging the toilet bowl is an experience that I never want to try again.
It was pink from my frozen strawberry margarita.
My puke, that is.
I'm fine really.
I just want to psycho myself into studying hard for this semester, hanging in there till the worst is over and crash later on when I don't have to be strong anymore.
There is so many things that I want to express in words here so I can let go of them but they refuse to be let go.
Dear, I'm sorry for being so emo these few days but I'm gonna need time. I don't know for how long and I don't know what kind of me I will be while I'm adjusting so I'm going to have to ask you to put up with me for the time being. I'm really sorry for asking so much from you when you probably have things troubling you as well. If you have anything bothering you, tell me too okay so at least I can share some of your burdens. Really miss you yo~
Darlings, its going to be a hard time for us and I am really pissed off at being stuck on a stupid island down south and not being there. I just want to let you guys know that I will try my bestest to help out in any way possible cuz I love you guys and TPAiki TTM.
I've been neglecting my dearest lil sis ever since all the bullshit just landed smack on me but I'll try to make it up to her when things start looking up and also next semester when I will stalk her in school ^^
Depressed but trying my damnest not to be.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|