I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
I know that I sound like I am whining and being a spoilt kid throwing a tantrum.
I know there are people who are there for me and who will give me comfort.
I am very grateful and I feel very loved.
But I still have to put these feelings to words.
Perhaps if I gave form to these elusive emotions, I can let go of them.
So let me.
I need to redefine my short term goal in life.
If this is just a mere fraction of what mid life crisis is like, I am so glad women generally don't have them.
Let's just make it simple: Lemon cannot deal with CHANGE.
I really really cannot deal with changes.
Its damn obvious.
Transitions from Primary 4 to 5, Primary 6 to Secondary 1, Secondary 4 to Poly 1st year, the trend is blindingly obvious.
My grades suffered.
And after a year or a semester, they start improving.
I thought poly was getting better.
But now its FML.
The last time I hated anything or anyone with such vehemence was after that bitch demoted me.
I think I hate Sentosa more than I hate her.
I honestly have no idea what I am working towards, why the bloody f am I stuck on this stupid island.
And things have really changed my perspective on life.
My priorities just went through an earth shattering change and are completely shuffled.
I came to this course with big dreams and ambition.
There was so much that I wanted to do and so much that I wanted to gain from this course.
Volunteer stints at F1 and other major events, a once in a lifetime learning experience on Sentosa, educational trips abroad.
I was a fool and thought that the school would be an avid advocate of holistic education.
I thought that even if I joined a lot of CCAs, school stuff wouldn't be affected cuz sec sch life was like that.
What utter bullshit.
Can I have my money back?
This is how my priorities go now,
1. Zz & Aikido
2. JCG (a close second not because I love it less but because they don't really need me as much)
3. Schoolwork
In fact, I don't even think school work has that high a place in my heart.
TP has completely and utterly destroyed any hopes I had of doing well in my studies.
That is how demotivated I am.
Great JOB yo~ Give yourself a goddamn pat on the back for a job so very well done.
Now I find myself passing up on many different opportunities that the old Lemon would have pounced on.
This change in me is terrifying and disconcerting.
Have I mentioned how I absolutely cannot deal with change?
In my head, there are several voices.
The most annoying ones are the Lemon that bemoans opportunity costs, the Lemon that thinks of 'what if', the Lemon that dreams of 'what could be' and the Lemon whose main purpose of existence is to questions every single damn thing I do and make me feel like the world's biggest retard.
This is why consoling me doesn't work because they will always negate the comforting and encouraging words.
I wish they would just shut the f up.
Every single thing I do, every single word I say, every single thought I have, they will rake me down with claws that cut me to the bone.
I am so very tired.
Is this the meaning of the phrase, can't live with myself?
If I tell myself I am good, I am awesome, I am a f ing genius long enough, maybe I will be able to tune them out someday.
I don't know why but it feels like they hate me.
And by default, I hate me.
How is it possible to deal with something like that?
Tell me.
Or don't tell me because they will just start up all over again.
Just hold me will you?
Words are not needed.
All I need is someone to listen to me and hold me.
Even just hugging my close friends make me feel like maybe I am strong enough to tell myself that I don't suck.
If only I could deal with this problem as a separate entity.
Because I cannot see where the line between me and them ends.
If there is even one.
All I aim to do when posting stuff like this is to try and release my frustrations and anger towards myself and other stuff.
I really do feel better after writing it all down so don't worry my lovelies.
Lemon will be alright.
I like to hear your voice. I like to be around you. I feel very secure. Thank you for being there.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|