I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
I really appreciate it from the bottom of my heart and feel very loved by all you guys.
Didn't expect it since last year's birthday was a pretty dismal affair when no one in poly knew it was my birthday and all but one of my TK friends were not there.
Now I have my Aiki family, JCG family, friends from poly as well as TK and most importantly, ZZ.
Its not that I don't want my friends anymore now that I've got a bf but ...
Thank you dear, for making my 18th birthday so wonderful even though all we did was just sit in SAR and nua. Thank you for making the effort to wear jeans and covered shoes (I know I said this before but I really like your shoes man). Thank you for going all the way to Yishun to make my present and going through the trouble to make it a surprise.
I was soo fully expecting something to go really horribly wrong today but it turned out to be more than anything I had ever expected.
I have the best friends ever.
Said this so many times today but it can never fully express my feelings.
Thank you so very much guys.
Now, birthday gurl's bragging rights yo~
My birthday prezzie that made me cry.
Thank you YS for putting up with ZZ's fat fingers and teaching him haha.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Or just simply and more optimistically, ONE YEAR OLDER.
Alas, where has my childhood gone? -looks under chair-
Lesson of the day: Never eat roti prata with curry before training yo.
When your hakama is on, there is a one way system on your digestive tract.
Upwards.
Peristalysis DOES NOT WORK YO >_<
.
.
.
I need to get over the fact that I got called a barrel and stop making my waistline shrink 5 cm everytime I put on full gi.
Well anyway, I was just reading 8DAYS (I love that mag) and I came across the horoscope section.
Taurus (apr 21 - may 21)
Taurus is stable, conservative (true ^^) and sensual. The sign values a comfortable, safe and unchanging environment, and like to hold on to the past.(Also true haha) Taurus is down to earth and practical, and is also one of the most productive signs.(Does being last minute chiongers count?) Typically they make good singers (I wish) but they may also be potters, sculptors and gardeners. (SO NOT TRUE. No artistic bone in me, I can't stand plants and I think the feeling is mutual.)
If it's your birthday:
Everybody wants to have their say and they're often quite blunt ... You'll be well placed to bring people together and explain to them that while they're not completely right, neither are they completely wrong. (So I make a good mediator??)
Never was interested in horoscopes but this is kinda interesting no?
Ok, I was just bored and wanted to practise my non existent typing skills.
Thanks to friends who have wished me in advance.
Looking forward to a relatively safe day tomorrow with no major mishaps.
Next thing on my list: DRIVING
"... いつもの別れ 道で、何もできない、解ってる。ほっぺが膨らませて、手を放して 「もう行くね」..."
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
No, not mentally sick in the head. That much I am aware of.
I meant down with the flu or a cold.
Cuz I'm sneezing my head off and my nose feels like concrete got poured in and dried.
And I've been feeling super tired. (When am I not but whatever.)
Is it just me or do I have shadows under my eyes? (GASPSHOCKHORROR is lemon actually concerned about her appearance for once in her life????)
NO. If I have shadows under my eyes, it means that I'm REALLY tired.
Plus Theatre Of The Mind is NOT cooperating as usual.
But I shall look forward to demo and the day I can guzzle booze with the blessings of the government, both that are due to happen next week.
Words simply cannot describe how much I love TPAikido if you haven't already noticed.
Just thinking of TPAiki makes me feel a little happier :)
And I shall persevere for the first 2 months of Sem 2.1.
After that, I'll be back to training -sobs with tears of joy-
頑張って レモン。あなたなら 絶対にできる。
I have to have faith in myself right?
But seriously, if my nose was a separate entity, I'd murder it right now in cold blood.
"... ただ僕はずっと愛してた。それだけ ただそれだけ だったけど。僕にはそれしかなかったんだ。そして今も変わらず愛してる ..."
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Lunatiquely yours,
Words cannot begin to describe the crushed, desperate feeling when I found out that my stupid timetable clashes with Aikido.
Never have I hated anything like I hate my timetable.
-
About my dad and his outbursts, I shall not further elaborate. Thanks to VC darling for letting me know that I'm not alone.
I am so proud of myself for not posting angry posts.
-
Have I ever mentioned how much I love TPAikido?
Because I really really do.
All the wonderful people I've met (AIKI 五朵花 FTW!!!!)like seniors and batch mates, and reunion with FM after 10 years.
I feel blessed. (No, I will not let insignificant scraps of sluttiness affect my view of TPAikido)
-
Went for Sunday training after sooooo long of not going because he spent the night at JB.
I have no idea how I am going to get through subsequent Sundays of knowing what I am missing.
The current member at the top of my darlings' hit list is really SUCH AN ANNOYING BITCH.
Bitch suits him even though that is insulting the word Bitch because he is so baselessly arrogant (Man, watching giant do nikkyo with him was satisfying), self important and SOO UKE (the yaoi meaning)
Seriously. He fits the category of 'slutty uke that everyone hates'. (Sounds like someonesomething. No wonder they're friends)
Why I say he is super uke is because of the way he seems to like sticking out his ass.
During obstacle roll, being uke for techniques etc.
Being the pure and innocent person that I am, mental images starting popping up like bunnies on Easter day.
.
.
.
Talk about mental self torture -shudders-
Although there was one scene with the classic 'thousand years of pain' that made me wanna roflmao
-
This holiday has been one of epic proportions of exhaustion.
I am so damn sick of Sentosa.
How will I ever survive the next semester???
I shall just hope and pray that things will be better.
Or at least pray that I can psycho myself into being happy. (And I shall ignore the fact that I will crash sooner or later.)
-
I don't know why but I don't seem to be looking forward to my 18th.
Even though its a huge thing that only happens once in your life.
Maybe it is because nothing really ever goes well on my birthdays.
Like how I get extra clumsy and spill drinks on myself like on four birthdays and how I left the tickets to the Singapore Flyer last year or the year before that.
This year, almost EVERYTHING is against me even before the day itself.
My timetable, work, myself.
Oh brilliant. I can't wait to see what happens on the day itself.
-
"... I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around. My faith in you was fading, when I met you on the outskirts of town and I said. Romeo, save me. I've been feeling so alone. I keep waiting for you but you never come...."
(Haha we spammed this song at the karaoke in Beijing.)
P.S. I think I'm down with a cold. I don't feel very well. Tired and sniffly and sneezy.
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
chalet CAMP and IT. WAS. AWESOME.
Okay that's maybe just because it is the first one I've have been to but still.
And maybe it's because I helped organize it a little but I have learnt so far that organizing stuff like these is a thankless task.
The most likely reason is probably the company.
I heartloveadore Aiki peeps!!!!! Thanks go to Aiki freshie 五朵花, our awesome 'chefs' and all those who turned up and had fun and made it so much more memorable.
My souvenir from this CAMP is a abstract art piece in the form of motley bruises on my forearms courtesy of our resident Lock Master. I confess, I'm just trying to get out of being deployed to the tougher stations at work but THEY (the bruises) CAME AT A PRICE AND I BLOODY WELL PAID IT. So my conscience (in a can) is clear.
The alcohol effect hasn't worn off completely yet since I still feel dizzy but it should be gone....
Eventually.
Next time my bloody annoying dreams are annoying me, I shall spam alcohol, dance Mirotic x10 on repeat till I'm half dead from exhaustion (in an air conditioned room so I won't perspire and won't need to shower again), go crash on my bed and try to fall asleep before the low after the high hits.
I slept like a pig last night lol.
Scratch that.
I slept like a DEAD PIG last night.
It has beeeeeen soooooo loooooonnnnnggggg since I slept that well.
And talking about vacations in lalaland, I should turn in soon too cuz I have opening shift tomorrow -dies-
PS: I need to learn how to remember what happens after one of my high phases. Seriously. Its coming back to me bit by bit but nothing whole and concrete yet. OMG I NEED TO FIX THIS BLACK HOLE IN MY MEMORY STORAGE SPACE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-spazspazspaz-
"... And just for the record, the weather today is slightly sarcastic with a good chance of (A) Indifference and (B) Disinterest in what the critics say..."
(I really like the style of most of the songs in A Fever You Can't Sweat Out. It has an unusual appeal.)
PPS: I just recalled the fan blades that I dreamt of on the first night that were strangely attacked to locker doors and walls. Total random shyte.
SEE WHAT I GO THROUGH ON A DAILY BASIS????!!!!! Random stuff keeps popping in to my head because of my dumb dreams!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
I feel sooo sad for them.
I haven't used them in quite a while and they broke *wails*
AND I had wanted to bring them tomorrow! *SOBS*
Oh wells. Shall have to think of something tomorrow.
Lessee, what else today?
My spaghetti was epic PHAILZ.
Haha, I put too much onion and garlic and meat plus the cheese was slightly bad.
BUT I shall improve and make even more awesomely fantabulous spaghetti next time. Just wait and see. MUAHAHAHAHA.
Ahem.
I must go look for my recipe for chocolates again cuz I have some left over baking chocolate left and my mom's nagging. (the return of the shit bombs in cling wrap LOL)
Somehow I feel a lot more at ease now that I have like a week's break from work. The thought of working and committing a serious faux pas scares the shit out of me. Like I said, PARANOIA is my middle name. So I dunno, I guess working or the thought of working really stresses me out.
SIGH.
Its making me depressed now so I shall think about the upcoming chalet and REJOICE.
Oh my gawd my burns are making it hard for happy thoughts to take center stage.
This post was very 'everyday-ish' kinda feel no? Makes me SEEM normal.
Haha, normality is overrated y'all.
"... 壊れるほど私を強く抱きしめて もう一度会えるなら夢の中でいい 永久の眠りをください..."
(Oh gosh how can anyone not love Gackt???? HUH????)
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
My shoulders and arms are like chao ta and I got a black circle on my lower back cuz of my swimming costume BUT TODAY WAS SUCH EPIC FUN.
If it not because of my ears and the burns, today would have been almost perfect.
Let's go swimming again darlings and the next time, the more the merrier k?
I wanna thank my darlings for telling me what they did today at the pool because I am so emotionally retarded and dense when it comes to stuff like this. I'll need a lot more advice on this kind of matters so I hope they won't give up on this moronic fruit.
That aside, I have a confession to make. I am a bloody coward who runs away from things I am unsure of or have no control over.
I am actually terrified about how people feel about me or think of me. Probably everyone else in the world as well to a certain extent. I cannot deal with it so I throw caution to the wind and behave most outrageously sometimes and am impossibly quiet and hopefully unnoticeable other times. But I tend to think the worst of myself so I use projection and think that they must think I am *insert all negative adjectives*.
I'm freaking paranoid.
And I'm actually a die-hard romantic. I am the kind of girl who reads romance novels and watches chick flicks and thinks, 'wouldn't it be nice if that could happen in reality?' I love hugging my girlfriends and family cuz I am the skinship kind, I crave affection. I hate being weak but I'm tired of trying to be strong, tired of protecting instead of being protected. Which is soooo contrary to my image and it shocks even me. My trying to be a girl terrifies me as well because I haven't tried to be one in forever.
Omigosh, just admitting this terrifies me.
Maybe I should change the title of this post to 'Terror' since I keep mentioning being terrified about stuff.
I still haven't seem to have found my mind. I am horribly shatter brained and forgetful. Even more so than usual. Its scary. I think one day I might just leave the house and roam around and find myself in a place I had no intentions of even going. I feel like I'm being blur and numbing something deliberately on a sub conscious level.
Look, I even forgot what I was about to type out just now.
Let's just turn in for the day and stop taxing my half baked and waterlogged brain.
"...I am arriving, as everyone's leaving. But there you are waiting. Something is wrong. Where did I go right? How did I get you? How come all these blue sky is around me, and you found me. Where did I go right..."
Lunatiquly yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Emphasis on 'TRYING'
I kind of miss school so I can't wait for it to start. Can't wait for my life to fall back into simple understandable patterns.
It's not like I don't like my work. I actually like interacting with guests and I have really awesome superiors and colleagues with a few exceptions. They really look out for each other and we're like quite bonded.
Aiitez, nuff about my work. I still feel like I'm perpetually running on quarter tank and gonna kick the bucket anytime. So I'm gonna focus on my studies and CCA when school starts.
I'm completely missing the point (not that there was A point to begin with but heck) so back to my non existant point darlings~
Random point no. 2 : KFC's BBQ Meltz and Breakfast Original twister and Subway's Breakfast Steak & Egg and Subway Melt have been saving my life.
Breaking my wallet but SERIOUSLY saving my life.
I am a sucker for food and my epic weakness is my stomach.
Words simply cannot describe that glorious feeling when I eat after work and its like being REBORN or something like that anyway cuz I would be like be busy trying to keep the floor where its supposed to be and not dipping and swaying and all over the place. Then the food goes into my mouth and its like paradise.
Ok I'm hungry again even though I ate A LOT today. After work, I had a subway melt, shio ramen and sotong onSTIK then dinner.
I like to eat and sleep ergo I am a pig... or so my sister insists.'...But I have no clue how to get to you... ...I wanna hit you just to see you cry. I keep knocking on wood, hoping there's a real boy inside....'
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Because I still feel super drained of happy feelings.
I was soooo tired and sooo out of it today that I wandered aimlessly around Vivo like I was trying to collect my scattered remnants of my brain before heading home and I forgot all about training. And when I remembered (or rather was reminded of it), I was tooo damn exhausted to haul my sorry butt off to school. So I headed home and upon reaching home, I crashed on the sofa till my mom and sis got home.
I hereby conclude that my current part time job is making a mental wreck out of me.
So people may say that I am a soft sheltered kid who knows nothing about life and its hardships.
Like I give a shit.
Because its probably true and I wholeheartedly agree and am lucidly clear about that fact. I am a wet behind the ears kid with no experience in life.
But I am trying.
No one is born with experience. Some just get more earlier in life.
Sorry about the ranting. I'm just really tired.
But the point is: I feel like a mental train wreck after work almost every single time.
Moving on.
I just read an article from one of the magazines lying around at home today and I was like thinking, "OMG. So relevant." haha...
The title of the article was 'The fast lane to BURNOUT' and some of the questions that I answered either every day, almost every day or up to twice a week.
-How often do you crave sugar like sweets, fizzy drinks, chips cakes etc?
-How often do you skip meals?
-How often do you feel like you are never doing enough or are never good enough?
-How often do you feel lightheaded or see stars when you bend down or stand up (every freakin time and it annoys the hell out of me!!!)
-How often do you feel dizzy, faint or momentarily weak?
-How often do you wake up in the morning feeling exhausted?
-How often do you experience sudden shifts in temper?
But I think its because I'm not used to work yet. Cuz all this crap started becoming more frequent after I started work. I mean, I have never fainted before in my life (I think) but twice in the past month during work, I felt like the floor was getting closer. (Disclaimer: Gradings and trainings are excluded because the floor NEVER STAYS WHERE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE.)
OKAY. I know I am whining and griping and complaining but whatever.
On a brighter note, I do get a break from my depressing thoughts when I am with Aiki peeps especially FM, Joey, YS, Kim and the seniors. I lub dub you guys to bits. Seriously.
Next.
To compel myself to blog more regularly (it doesn't have to be either my philosophical musings on the unfathomable topic of myself or my blabbering nonsense or my venting of anger), I shall add in a section called "Random part of the last song that was playing on random on my playlist when I got home" before my usual closing.
Let's hope that this 'lying to myself' method of making me post stuff regularly works.
'... When you go, would you even turn to say "I don't love you like I did yesterday"...'
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|