I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
Deadlines, deadlines and MORE deadlines.
But after this horrible month of July, maybe everything will slow down a little.
I hope I can go back to work.
Heck, I PRAY they still want me.
I wanna spend a lil more time with my fandom (No, a few hours 6 days a week is really NOT ENOUGH)
I wanna trainTRAINTRAINTRAIN.
I wanna COSPLAY and plan Halloween with the crazy JCG peeps.
I wanna go swim and go tan off my tan line.
I wanna go running.
I wanna go take my BTT.
-daydreams-
Anyway, I was compelled to post today because, being the opinionated arsehole that I am, I have VERY STRONG OPINIONS about certain things that I absolutely ABHOR and DETEST and hold in UTTER CONTEMPT.
Aikido have brought many wonderful people into my life but also the few of the people whose existence on this planet I find OFFENSIVE.
I believe I am not alone.
Well today, I shall bitch about this person who has annoyed me since the very first moment I interacted with him.
(Removed due to violent objections. However private viewing is still available upon request ^^)
I am very tired.
I have absolutely no idea how I manage to drag myself out of bed and get to school in the morning.
Many times I feel like just collapsing into a boneless heap on the floor and sleep my life away.
My eyes hurt.
I worry.
Take care of yourself ok?
Cuz I can't be there and take care of you personally.
So I worry.
Go away Fatigue, you're annoying the heck out of me.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Am looking forward to next year's camp even though its still very far away haha
Now back to the never ending nightmare of projects and reports that are still NOT DONE EVEN THOUGH THE HOLS ARE ENDING!!!!!!
-dies-
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
It may be a deceitful and despicable trait to have and one that would create distances between myself and other people.
But as long as it helps me reach my goals and expectations, this is a role and a facade that I willingly and gladly take on.
Just whose fault is it?
Is it ours for being incompetent and short of manpower?
It seems like there are only three of us trying to keep this thing afloat.
Is it our fault for trying too hard but not being good enough?
We can't change ourselves.
But we are trying because we know we're not doing this for our own satisfaction.
The only reason yesterday did not go up in flames was because we tried to keep the big picture in mind.
We bit our lips and kept quiet because this is not about us.
This involves something MORE than our feelings and I think it should be something more than YOUR feelings.
If you say that we are being not being professional and being emotional, I'd say the same thing of you.
Yes, we are indebted to you.
But to threaten us with the success of this whole thing,
Its not fair to us and most importantly, the people we have worked so hard together for.
We're sorry for not being good enough and needing to rely on you.
But it is really hard to pretend everything is alright, to try to pacify you when you don't try to see things from our perspective and point of view.
I was scared and unsure.
I was terrified that I will screw this up.
I was trying so hard to meet your expectations.
I was bloody fucking tired of trying so hard to understand just what was going on when no one told us anything, no one bothered to show us the full picture.
I was pissed that you forgot about her, apologized so sloppily, no word of thanks for her effort and bitched about her.
But I had to pacify you, promise to talk to her about the way she was behaving.
DO you think it was easy to swallow?
She is my captain.
She is not your captain but she is MINE.
If you just give her the chance, proper guidance and better attitude, she can do her job better.
She is already putting in so much effort.
All I am asking is that you give my captain due respect.
I am asking this of you because I respect you.
I respect your experience, your abilities and your seniority.
I respect your willingness to help us out and I am very grateful for all that you have done for us.
After yesterday, I hated myself.
Every single time this shit happens, I hate myself.
Is it because of me that everything went wrong?
Is it because I didn't try hard enough?
Is it because I didn't do enough?
Ah heck.
Today will be a better day and after today, maybe everything will be better.
Shall nurse taugay withdrawal symptoms.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
I seem to have strong opinions about quite a lot of stuff and I feel that it makes me hard to get along with sometimes.
For example, the way some people look just annoys the heck out of me really really bad and I tend to just blurt out how I feel about it.
I am sorry JJ Lin and Oguri Shun. Its not that I wish something bad will happen to you guys but I just can't tolerate your faces. Much as I hate to say this since I have close friends who are fans of you but my aversion to you is like other people's reaction to veery fortunate and veeery hairy guys who insist on cross dressing in skimpy outfits and posting their photos on the Internet. Its an irrational and uncontrollable dislike.
Another thing that really gets on my nerves is spoken language. I think I nearly drove myself crazy trying to watch Joy Luck Club and not bitch like mad about the way the people in the movie spoke. I mean if one is really bad at languages like Chinese which is basically includes a lot of my friends and yours truly, its not that bad cuz we can't help it but we don't flaunt our suckiness. But completely undecipherable spoken language in movies and songs and whatnot that is PUBLICLY DISPLAYED, I really cannot stand. At all. This includes people who put on a fake American/British accent so thick it can be cut with a butter knife, Jay Chou rap songs and SJM's Chinese songs. I like you guys a lot but I really cannot get over trying to make out what the heck you guys are singing. And failing. You guys have really awesome Korean songs, smexy dance moves and hawt people. Kudos to you guys for trying to be innovative and reach out to the really lucrative Chinese market but personally, I prefer your Korean songs cuz I know its Korean and I don't expect myself to understand a single word.
Hey I LIKE SuJu okay. I can identify all 15 members and that's saying A LOT since I was super anti K-anything until recently.
But my whole point is that I want to apologize to people who may have been affected by my thoughtless words. I blurt out stuff a lot. Its like verbal diarrhoea. I shall strive to improve my self discipline over my mouth.
I hate TauGAY withdrawal symptoms.
bitchbitchbitchbitch
Gimme something sweet and carbonated to drink.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
And then everything moves so quickly like a 100 tonne truck falling on you from the sky.
I still hate. But not as vehemently because I too am at fault.
I guess I was just too angry over what happened in the morning to care about anything else.
I should be more upset but I am numb.
Because its too tiring to care about that fucking infuriating person.
Maybe now that person will leave me alone.
Not talk to me, not bother to pretend that what I say or feel actually matters.
I simply will not care any more.
Even though I am banned from training.
If I tell myself not to care, it won't hurt that badly.
I don't dare to hope that the ban will be lifted.
Even though with every thing I miss because of this stupid ban, a little part of me just shrivels up and dies.
That is how vital this is in my life, how very much it means to me.
Was talking on the phone with my bean sprout till late last night after the explosion at home.
I never knew how people could talk on the phone so much but now I do.
Or maybe its just him.
I like his voice and the uniquely taugay sounds he tends to make.
Its like my antidote to a bad day.
Is it just the honeymoon period?
All the 'how did I manage to survive the past 18 years of my life without knowing he existed?' feelings
And the pure happiness at the simplest things like him getting his black belt.
I forget that I am unhappy and upset.
I am really grateful for the existence of Aikido, my bean sprout and JCG in my life.
Moments of blinding joy amidst bleak despair.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|