I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
If we have to cook, we can cook simple stuff just to feed ourselves, no problem.
Bloody hell you want us to burn all our evenings to learn and cook for you all your favourite dishes??
You wanna eat, fucking cook it yourself damnit.
This is NOT training us to be independent.
This is training us to be your fucking servants.
You ask us to see how friends who don't have domestic helpers at home cope with housework?
Most of their moms are full-time housewives, how the fuck do you want to compare?
And even those friends have more social life than us.
Fuckfuckfuckfuck.
I'm out of here as soon as fucking possible.
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
HOW DA FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE?
Yes, this relationship has made me a better person (I think) where
- This selfish fruit actually puts someone's needs and feelings before her own.
- I no longer think that the world revolves around me, myself and I.
- And there are blissfully happy moments.
BUT.
I find myself sad, lost and empty more frequently.
Is this what it feels like to need somebody?
And even if this IS what it feels like to need somebody, I'm pretty damn sure it would hurt a lot less if the other person needs me as much.
This is why I highly doubt long distance relationship and other types of relationships with little communication can work.
It'd take strong devotion and affection on BOTH sides for it to work and how often is there such a situation?
Not having that important someone to listen to you when you are down, sharing in your joy when you are happy, laughing together at life's little jokes.
One day you find yourself sending emails, texts to a stranger.
Talking on the phone with a stranger who sounds familiar.
Looking at a stranger with a familiar face.
I'm now looking at this with such a pessimistic but probably realistic point of view.
Its hard to imagine that a year ago, I was full of blind faith in that person and where our future would lead.
A year ago, I strongly believed that I would grow old with that person.
What a naive little girl I was, lost in the throes of first love.
I'm skeptical about the future now.
Of course I still wish that I could spend the rest of my life with that person.
But a future with that person is so different from the future that I wish to achieve.
A high flying career where I get to travel to the places I want to go, hotels of my design, a significant other who loves me as much as I do him and not afraid to show the world how important I am.
No longer just giving and giving, crying from happiness when I do get the occasional something.
That future is one that person will never be able to give me, it is simply not in his nature.
Loving someone to distraction does not automatically solve everything, it takes two hands to clap.
Maybe its time for me to love myself a bit more again.
You are precious in my eyes, even if no one else treasures you.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Everyday just seems so long and dreary :(
Looking back at my old posts, I confess to be absolutely appalled at the standard of my writing now.
I sound like a whiny bitch.
More than ever, I feel like I have lost a part of myself.
Maybe it is this loss that is making me feel morose and emo.
I feel like I'm hardly ever happy anymore, except for brief moments with ZZ and Dessy.
Maybe its the loss of friends.
I miss them all dreadfully.
My Aikido family, my JCG family, my darlings.
Aaaand this post is heading towards the emo side again damnit.
I've gotta pull myself together again and out of this mud pit.
Work hard Lemon and be strong.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Can't get rid of that sinking feeling in my chest, the tears that keep welling up.
Can't shake off the depression.
There's so many things I want to tell you but I keep putting them off, thinking that I shouldn't waste the precious little time I have with you on these small stuff.
But they keep adding to the distance between us.
And then there's the fear and insecurity.
You're gonna not want me again. And maybe this time for good.
I can't tell you how I feel because I'm so scared that you will suggest breaking up again 'because being together is making me miserable.'
How is breaking up supposed to make me feel better?
Another part of me wonders why I'm doing so much, trying so hard for someone who doesn't reciprocate.
I would give almost the world for you but there isn't much you would do for me.
And even though my mind tells me to give up, I still hope that my boyfriend would do the same for me.
You're not just a boyfriend, you're YOU and there is little that you would do for me.
I know that but I thought it wouldn't matter in the past, like a stupid naive idiot.
But it does.
When I don't receive a text from you, its like the end of the world and a few hours already feels like a year.
Hoping that you would come and fetch me even though the distance is kind of long and knowing that you would never. When I would go all the way to Jurong in a heartbeat just to see you. (How many times have you come to find me instead of the other way round this year? 4 or 5?)
Bringing my phone into the shower with me so I wouldn't miss a call or text.
Knowing you won't send me home from Pasir Ris but hoping that you'd offer and I can keep that offer in my heart to warm me for a little while longer.
Its so cold these days, inside and outside.
I hardly ever see my little ones or Dessy anymore.
You're the only bright point that I have to look forward to.
But so much heartache in this sole motivation in life.
It is so very cold and lonely.
I wonder when it will all end.
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
Its pretty ok, the people are really nice and only one person that gets on my nerve.
(WOW only one?? Who are you and what did you do to Lemon??)
But not the point.
Still gonna work hard and earn shit loads of $$ and fulfill my dreams.
(If the world doesn't end this year. I sure hope it doesn't. I don't want to die a virgin haha)
To celebrate me new chapter of life, PICTURES OF AWESOME COSPLAY HAHAHAHAHA
Cosfest 2012 11Eyes
From left: Kukuri, Yuka, Misuzu
Cosfest 2012 11Eyes
From left: Kukuri, Yuka, Misuzu
Yuka (tingke), Kukuri (fiifie), Misuzu (lemon) from 11eyes
At Cosfest 2012 D'Marquee Downtown East
Makeup credits goes to Jovey :)
Great photography is thanks to Merv :)
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
I'm 18 with a curfew that gets earlier and earlier plus a Sunday grounding.
Apparently, I don't have the fucking rights to have my own likes, dislikes, ambitions and dreams.
You say I'm not independant.
When have you ever let me even fucking try?
You control me like a marionette on strings and wrap me up in cotton wool and sponge.
So you don't have the fucking right to say that I don't know anything.
You won't even let me go home on my own from fucking Boon Lay.
You say that I have more opportunities in the future but why the fuck are you forcing me to let this one brilliant chance slip by without even letting me try?
What, too much experience is not good?
How the bloody fuck do you expect me to survive in the future?
You smother me.
You deprieve me of precious chances to learn.
You put me at a disadvantage.
You are killing me.
You know what, you're right.
No matter what, I just can't do it.
You're ALWAYS right never wrong, so high and mighty.
So I'm not going to even fucking try since there is no point and is just a fucking epic waste of my time and efforts.
You teach me to fucking give up.
Congrats I hope that makes you so fucking ecstatic.
Is it any wonder that I fucking hate you?
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|
It is worst when there is no one to blame but bad luck.
There is nothing that anyone can do to change the situation.
The reasons that the other party had were perfectly understandable and reasonable.
If it were you, you'd have done the same.
But knowing, understanding, does nothing to erase the anger at how things turned out.
It is an irrational anger.
No one to blame but the fury doesn't fade.
No matter how we reason with ourselves, try to persuade ourselves to let go of the rage, it simply burns on even more heatedly.
They can feel the anger and they will want to know why but it won't make the anger go away.
The problem will merely get worse because now more people are upset.
So just leave us and let the anger run its course.
`iRained
| Stark Raving Lunacy|