I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
HOW DA FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE?
Yes, this relationship has made me a better person (I think) where
- This selfish fruit actually puts someone's needs and feelings before her own.
- I no longer think that the world revolves around me, myself and I.
- And there are blissfully happy moments.
BUT.
I find myself sad, lost and empty more frequently.
Is this what it feels like to need somebody?
And even if this IS what it feels like to need somebody, I'm pretty damn sure it would hurt a lot less if the other person needs me as much.
This is why I highly doubt long distance relationship and other types of relationships with little communication can work.
It'd take strong devotion and affection on BOTH sides for it to work and how often is there such a situation?
Not having that important someone to listen to you when you are down, sharing in your joy when you are happy, laughing together at life's little jokes.
One day you find yourself sending emails, texts to a stranger.
Talking on the phone with a stranger who sounds familiar.
Looking at a stranger with a familiar face.
I'm now looking at this with such a pessimistic but probably realistic point of view.
Its hard to imagine that a year ago, I was full of blind faith in that person and where our future would lead.
A year ago, I strongly believed that I would grow old with that person.
What a naive little girl I was, lost in the throes of first love.
I'm skeptical about the future now.
Of course I still wish that I could spend the rest of my life with that person.
But a future with that person is so different from the future that I wish to achieve.
A high flying career where I get to travel to the places I want to go, hotels of my design, a significant other who loves me as much as I do him and not afraid to show the world how important I am.
No longer just giving and giving, crying from happiness when I do get the occasional something.
That future is one that person will never be able to give me, it is simply not in his nature.
Loving someone to distraction does not automatically solve everything, it takes two hands to clap.
Maybe its time for me to love myself a bit more again.
You are precious in my eyes, even if no one else treasures you.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
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