I am a contradiction, a living breathing oxymoron.
I am a perfectionist who is too lazy to pursue perfection.
I am a narcisst with an inferior complex.
I am not crazy, not insane just slightly unstable mentally with highly volatile emotions.
I am a fundamentally selfish person.
I am Lemon.
Lunatiquely Lemon.
Or in simpler terms,
The epic phail attempts at philosophical musing by a yellow, sour citrus fruit that claims to be sweet ^^
Last night I had a dream. Unlike my usual dreams that haunt me and annoy me, this dream was more logical than the others and was a dream that I wished never to wake up from. In fact it fit right into the 'Dreams that I hope was actually real or hope will come true' category.
Firstly, in The Dream (it shall henceforth be referred to as such), I had four older brothers. Four tall, attractive and capable embodiments of male perfection who were everything a girl could ask for in a brother and my best friends. I cried a little in the morning when I woke up and found out that it was nothing but a dream.
And there was another person in The Dream who gave me hope.
It was painful, fragile and heart wrenching but a tiny spark of hope nonetheless.
I felt that person's warmth in my beautiful non reality and a feeling that I simply cannot put in words.
If that person really exists in this world, I would search for that person and never let go.
I felt horribly alone when reality had me firmly back in its cruel grasp.
But I will never forget how it had felt, that person's hand in mine, giving me support and guidance.
My 'recently' has been filled with morose thoughts and borderline depression.
"...your thoughts have taken their toll when your mind breaks the spirit of your soul..."
How apt, I had thought when I heard these words.
I SHOULDN'T be feeling anything close or similar to depression. My life is practically rose tinted. I have an awesome part time job, I have trainings to look forward to and awesome friends. My grades have improved (not by much but still) and my days are filled with stuff. How can anyone feels down and quite completely unhappy?
It is a recent revelation that I have uncovered during one of my archaeological digs in the ruins also known as my depraved mind that I actually care about what other people think of me ... like 2-3 years after the incident has occurred. And I would be thinking "OMG how could I have been so f***ing annoying and not noticed it????? I bet (insert name) was resisting the urge to just stitch my mouth together and dump me in Pulau Semakau." THEN depression sets in like some drug withdrawal symptom. I henceforth conclude that: Contrary to the image I portray (or at least the one I THINK I portray), I care about what other people think about me and I have to work on thinking things through before I actually do them.
Things at home have settled into a kind of limbo where puppets move around. Its kind of like the calm before a storm. Almost I can forget about his bad points and just remember how I used to think him some super hero who made me feel safe and kissed me good night. I cannot hate him for long because he is someone special and important which makes his words even more hurtful.
But let's not dwell on that.
I feel confused recently and I don't know how to deal with it so I choose NOT to deal with it. Its a bad habit of mine actually, too lazy to actually go and bother about something. The worst thing I can do to someone is to ignore his or her existence. I'm more of the "the opposite of love is indifference, not hate" kind of person. But saying this, I have to emphasise that there is a vast difference between a forgetful Lemon and an indifferent Lemon. Me being forgetful is a normal occurrence that happens at least every few minutes or so. Me being indifferent is when you can keel over and die in front of me in a bloody fountain of spurting blood and all I am concerned about is getting splashed on while commenting on the inconsideration of some people who do not have the decency to die without an audience. Trust me, there is a vast difference. So far, no one on my list yet but there is one that makes me wonder if one day, I might actually attain that stage. So much so that I don't even hate that person. That person just annoys me and I am sure pretty soon I won't even notice if that person runs past me stark nekkid and epicly phails at dancing Gee.
Moving on.
My worlds seem to have abandoned me along with my muse. I can't seem to stay there long enough to expand it. My mind drifts off and I just find myself not in there anymore. It is one of the reasons why I am feeling so down and stuffs. Sleep is not giving me a refuge from my relentless thoughts either but wreaking even more havoc on my already annoying thoughts.
I think too much. I know that and I fervently wish that I could turn my brain off.
I hope that I can have a nice dream again tonight.
Lunatiquely yours,
Lemon
`iRained
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